Why do women stay?

If we consider why women stay in abusive relationships we may be able to increase the chances that they will leave....it can be hard to understand why women stay, if you have never experienced domestic violence/abuse, so I thought I would look at some of the explanations given:

These lists are taken from WRAP. My comments are in bold.

Situational Factors:

* Economic dependence. How can she support herself and the children? (This can be an issue particularly for stay at home mothers, who don't earn their own income. If you do work, you should always keep your own savings account.)
* Fear of greater physical danger to herself and her children if they try to leave.(We need to make sure that all police know how to assist women who want to leave. We need adequate numbers of safe houses.)
* Fear of being hunted down and suffering a worse beating than before.
* Survival. Fear that her partner will follow her and kill her if she leaves, often based on real threats by her partner.
* Fear of emotional damage to the children.(We need women to accept that staying for the children is rarely less damaging than leaving. Children usually know.)
* Fear of losing custody of the children, often based on her partner's remarks.(Women need to have access to legal advice, to reassure them)
* Lack of alternative housing; she has nowhere else to go. (We need women to feel part of a community, with options. These may come from family, friends or the state.)
* Lack of job skills; she might not be able to get a job. (We need to ensure all children, and all girls leave education with grades or a skill.)
* Social isolation resulting in lack of support from family and friends. (We need to ensure that do not allow women we know to isolate themselves, this is what the partner wants to happen.)
* Social isolation resulting in lack of information about her alternatives.(Education, education, education)
* Lack of understanding from family, friends, police, ministers, etc.(Again, education, education, education.)
* Negative responses from community, police, courts, social workers, etc.(We need to ensure that all services receive adequate training)
* Fear of involvement in the court process; she may have had bad experiences before.
* Fear of the unknown. "Better the devil you know than the devil you don't."(All women need to learn to believe that it is really better to be alone than be with the wrong person.)
* Fear and ambivalence over making formidable life changes.
* "Acceptable violence". The violence escalates slowly over time. Living with constant abuse numbs the victim so that she is unable to recognize that she is involved in a set pattern of abuse.
* Ties to the community. The children would have to leave their school, she would have to leave all her friends and neighbors behind, etc. For some women it would be like being in the Witness Protection program--she could never have any contact with her old life.(Sadly, not much that can be done about this one.)
* Ties to her home and belongings.
* Family pressure; because Mom always said, "I told you it wouldn't work out." or "You made your bed, now you sleep in it."
* Fear of her abuser doing something to get her (report her to welfare, call her workplace, etc.)
* Unable to use resources because of how they are provided (language problems, disability, homophobia, etc.)(We need to ensure that these are overcome.)
* Time needed to plan and prepare to leave.

Emotional Factors

* Insecurity about being alone, on her own; she's afraid she can't cope with home and children by herself.(We need to empower all women to believe that they can live independently.)
* Loyalty. "He's sick; if he had a broken leg or cancer--I would stay. This is no different."(He isn't sick, and you can't save him. He can only do it on his own, and by himself.)
* Pity. He's worse off than she is; she feels sorry for him.
* Wanting to help. "If I stay I can help him get better."
* Fear that he will commit suicide if she leaves (often he's told her this).(This is emotional abuse at its most extreme, and very hard to argue against)
* Denial. "It's really not that bad. Other people have it worse."
* Love. Often, the abuser is quite loving and lovable when he is not being abusive.(Somehow we have to get all women to define what love is. Love means never choosing to hurt someone. Never.)
* Love, especially during the "honeymoon" stage; she remembers what he used to be like.
* Guilt. She believes--and her partner and the other significant others are quick to agree--that their problems are her fault.
* Shame and humiliation in front of the community. "I don't want anyone else to know."(I would imagine that this could be heightened in some cultures more than others.)
* Unfounded optimism that the abuser will change.
* Unfounded optimism that things will get better, despite all evidence to the contrary.
* Learned helplessness. Trying every possible method to change something in our environment, but with no success, so that we eventually expect to fail. Feeling helpless is a logical response to constant resistance to our efforts. This can be seen with prisoners of war, people taken hostage, people living in poverty who cannot get work, etc.
* False hope. "He's starting to do things I've been asking for." (counseling, anger management, things she sees as a chance of improvement.)
* Guilt. She believes that the violence is caused through some inadequacy of her own (she is often told this); feels as though she deserves it for failing.
* Responsibility. She feels as though she only needs to meet some set of vague expectations in order to earn the abuser's approval.
* Insecurity over her potential independence and lack of emotional support.
* Guilt about the failure of the marriage/relationship.
* Demolished self-esteem. "I thought I was too (fat, stupid, ugly, whatever he's been calling her) to leave."(How do protect or rebuild self esteem?)
* Lack of emotional support--she feels like she's doing this on her own, and it's just too much.
* Simple exhaustion. She's just too tired and worn out from the abuse to leave.

Personal Beliefs

* Parenting, needing a partner for the kids. "A crazy father is better than none at all." (Perhaps we need to challenge society's views on parenting. Children need to feel safe, above anything else.)
* Religious and extended family pressure to keep the family together no matter what.
* Duty. "I swore to stay married till death do us part."(Do we need to change the wedding vows?! Till death do us part, unless you abuse me...)
* Responsibility. It is up to her to work things out and save the relationship.
* Belief in the American dream of growing up and living happily ever after.
* Identity. Woman are raised to feel they need a partner--even an abusive one--in order to to be complete or accepted by society.(Again we need to challenge this expectation.)
* Belief that marriage is forever.
* Belief that violence is the way all partners relate (often this woman has come from a violent childhood).
* Religious and cultural beliefs.

It breaks my heart to think of domestic violence. I know that men are abused by partners too (but the focus of my blog means I will only discuss female victims here). The person you 'love' and trust more than anyone uses that trust against you, to make you believe you somehow deserve it, that it is your fault.

A commonly quoted statistic is that 1 in 4 women will experience domestic violence. However, so do 1 in 6 men. These statistics are also based on single incidents. (Women's Aid)

The police recieve one call about domestic violence every minute (about 1,300 calls a day). An even more terrfying statistic is that it is estimated that less than 40% of domestic abuse is reported to the police. (From here)

On average two women a week are killed by a partner or ex-partner, which is about 40% of all female murders. (From here)

44% of female victims are involved in repeat incidents. This means that nearly half of women don't leave immediately. Surely this is what we need to work on, getting women to leave.

If you are being abused, or believe someone you know may be, please use these resources:

Home Office Leaflet
* English national domestic violence helpline: 0808 2000 247
* Northern Ireland Women's Aid 24-hour domestic violence helpline: 0800 917 1414
* Scottish domestic abuse helpline: 0800 027 1234
* Wales domestic abuse helpline: 0808 80 10 800
* Men’s advice and enquiry line: 0808 801 0327
Refuge
Women's Aid