I work in a secondary school, and we are currently preparing for the year 11s to leave us for (hopefully) bigger and better futures. Part of the preparations involve the students nominating their peers for 'titles', for example, "Best personality" and "Most likely to be a millionaire". The nomination sheets were printed up and sitting in tutors trays ready to be handed out to the year 11 students.
It happened that I glanced at one in passing, the first I noticed being "Best figure". I actually had to check twice. I also spotted "Bitchiest" and "Most likely to end up in prison". I was so gobsmacked I went up stairs to reflect. Was this normal in schools? I have since found that apparently it is. Other schools have informed me that this has been a tradition in many schools for many years. I wondered whether I was being too sensitive.
Looking at the list in more detail (it is 3 pages long) I also found, "Sexiest student", "Most weird", "Most likely to work in McDonalds", "Most barbie dolled", "Most aggressive" and "Student who eats the most". There was also a teacher list which includes "Best looking teacher" and "Most boring teacher".
Obviously a lot of these are not feminist issues (the one that riled me the most on that score was "best figure", which to me means the biggest boobs) but I got so angry that students would be 'awarded' a certificate for these 'achievements' from a school.
I made my feelings explicitly clear to management, who did seem shocked, and the list was quickly ordered to be destroyed. It will be re-edited.
I am not naming and shaming my school as we all work very hard to make a difference to students with a variety of challenging needs. It appears that this is not unusual, and happens in many schools.
It is a shame that the awards, although can have humour (craziest hairstyle is an example of a humorous but kind title) they could be used to really promote pride and hope (or am I being old fashioned now?). Perhaps we have kids who hardly ever get told they could go on to achieve something, wouldn't an award of something inspiring mean something to them (even if they don't admit it!?). I can't imagine being the parent of the student who goes home with the certificate "Best Figure" or "Most likely to end up in prison"......
Wednesday 5 May 2010
Monday 3 May 2010
Object.org - Campaigning Against 'Sex-Object Culture'
I discovered Object recently, and then was reminded of them when reading the article in Company Magazine. They are a human rights organisation which campaigns against 'Sex-Object Culture'. They explain that this is a culture where women are increasingly sexualised as 'sex objects' in our media and our every day lives.
The FAQ section is a good one, answering questions such as "But, isn’t it all just a bit of harmless fun?" and "But what if it’s a woman’s choice to be a glamour model or lap dancer?" which are both valid questions.
This fact sheet is also very interesting reading - Here
They hold regular meetings in London:
Meet like-minded others and help plan our next actions!
Dates for our next London meetings (2010):
Definitely worth checking out.
The FAQ section is a good one, answering questions such as "But, isn’t it all just a bit of harmless fun?" and "But what if it’s a woman’s choice to be a glamour model or lap dancer?" which are both valid questions.
This fact sheet is also very interesting reading - Here
They hold regular meetings in London:
Meet like-minded others and help plan our next actions!
Dates for our next London meetings (2010):
- Tuesday April 13th
- Tuesday May 11th
- Tuesday June 15th
- Tuesday July 13th
Definitely worth checking out.
Company Magazine Article - What Does Feminism Mean in 2010?
The May 2010 edition of Company Magazine has an article called "What is Feminism in 2010" which is the first in their new series of Company Reports. It is introduced by an Editor's letter which explains how many people see feminism as somehow dead or irrelevant in 2010 - haven't we all got our rights now? She highlights the fact that "womens studies" is no longer a degree course in the UK, although still is popular in countries like Iran and India. This reminds her that the fight for equal legal rights may be 'won' here in the UK, but is far from over in many countries around the world. She concludes that perhaps feminism now is about ensuring that all women, no matter where they happen to be born, have the freedoms we enjoy.
The article begins with reminding us how far we have come in the last 40 years. It states that despite many changes for the better, feminism is not dead, it has just changed. Apparently there is a new surge of feminists heading this way, and that the new feminism means a better world for both women and men. Feminism now still includes discrimination, but also explores other issues that affect women - for example, our body image and how many females are in power.
Statistics quoted include:
It is Company, and it is a light weight article (what else would we expect?) but it raises questions and hopefully encourages more people to consider where they stand on the issues surrounding women around the world.
It also includes 4 Feminist icons for 2010:
Jess McCabe - she is the editor of The F-Word who believes that "there are too many women affected by unequal pay, sexual or domestic violence, and everyday sexism for feminism not to be important."
Sam Roddick - daughter of Anita Roddick and owner of Coco De Mer. Company magazine have called her a pioneer who encourages women to express their sexual desires.
Jessica Velenti - she is the editor of Feministing.com
Anna van Heeswijk - she is campaign coordinator for Object which challenges the objectification of women.
The article begins with reminding us how far we have come in the last 40 years. It states that despite many changes for the better, feminism is not dead, it has just changed. Apparently there is a new surge of feminists heading this way, and that the new feminism means a better world for both women and men. Feminism now still includes discrimination, but also explores other issues that affect women - for example, our body image and how many females are in power.
Statistics quoted include:
- Women are still paid on average 22.6% less per hour than men
- Only 1 in 5 MPs in the House of Commons are female
- Last year 100,000 women were raped in the UK (with a conviction rate of 6.5%
- Kathryn Bigelow won the Oscar for Best Director (the first woman to ever win)
It is Company, and it is a light weight article (what else would we expect?) but it raises questions and hopefully encourages more people to consider where they stand on the issues surrounding women around the world.
It also includes 4 Feminist icons for 2010:
Jess McCabe - she is the editor of The F-Word who believes that "there are too many women affected by unequal pay, sexual or domestic violence, and everyday sexism for feminism not to be important."
Sam Roddick - daughter of Anita Roddick and owner of Coco De Mer. Company magazine have called her a pioneer who encourages women to express their sexual desires.
Jessica Velenti - she is the editor of Feministing.com
Anna van Heeswijk - she is campaign coordinator for Object which challenges the objectification of women.
Sunday 2 May 2010
Sexist Adverts
Women, as if body odour and breath weren't enough for your husbands to contend with - you must make sure you don't offend anyone with your personal smell down below. Apparently, you must constantly be on guard against it! This advert is from 1950, which is only 60 years ago.
Learn your lesson from this lady...if you use the wrong soap you may get the dreaded 'Middle Aged Skin' and your husband will no longer take you anywhere. Don't let yourself go if you want to be able to leave the house.
Because if you're thin you'll always get a man.
No, not an advert for push up bras...
Thank god us women can use our hoovering skills elsewhere...what else would we do with our free time?
Housework can make us grumpy and unreasonable. Don't you dare ruin the evening for your men by being cross while they relax. Darn female hormones.
What a relief to know we have a purpose outside of the kitchen. Phew.
Use beer to keep your man happy, even when you disappoint him by burning the dinner.
Another one from Palmolive. This advert is from 1921. Remember women, if you don't keep your skin youthful your husband will leave you. And it will be your fault.
Women what do you want for Christmas? Kitchen appliances of course. We'll cry if we don't get them.
Because you can train a woman like a Pavlovian Dog.
"A man marries a woman because he loves her. So instead of blaming him if married love begins to cool, she should question herself." She needs to question her female hygiene and keep her allure.
"Take a look in your morning mirror. See the memory your husband carries with him day after day. Is it a magnet alluring enough to draw him right home night after night? Or do you spend your afternoons dreading that hated phone call, 'I won't be home tonight'
Use this soap to make sure your husband doesn't have an affair. Because remember ladies, if he does it's your fault.
Palmolive again. Thank goodness they are here looking out for us women.
This advert is from 1953. A small step for independence...we no longer need men in the kitchen to open the ketchup.
1952 - don't buy the wrong coffee. He gives you the responsibility of buying the shopping, you can at least buy the right things!
1961, only 49 years ago.
Because if you're thin you'll always get a man.
Use this soap to make sure your husband doesn't have an affair. Because remember ladies, if he does it's your fault.
Why do women stay?
If we consider why women stay in abusive relationships we may be able to increase the chances that they will leave....it can be hard to understand why women stay, if you have never experienced domestic violence/abuse, so I thought I would look at some of the explanations given:
These lists are taken from WRAP. My comments are in bold.
Situational Factors:
* Economic dependence. How can she support herself and the children? (This can be an issue particularly for stay at home mothers, who don't earn their own income. If you do work, you should always keep your own savings account.)
* Fear of greater physical danger to herself and her children if they try to leave.(We need to make sure that all police know how to assist women who want to leave. We need adequate numbers of safe houses.)
* Fear of being hunted down and suffering a worse beating than before.
* Survival. Fear that her partner will follow her and kill her if she leaves, often based on real threats by her partner.
* Fear of emotional damage to the children.(We need women to accept that staying for the children is rarely less damaging than leaving. Children usually know.)
* Fear of losing custody of the children, often based on her partner's remarks.(Women need to have access to legal advice, to reassure them)
* Lack of alternative housing; she has nowhere else to go. (We need women to feel part of a community, with options. These may come from family, friends or the state.)
* Lack of job skills; she might not be able to get a job. (We need to ensure all children, and all girls leave education with grades or a skill.)
* Social isolation resulting in lack of support from family and friends. (We need to ensure that do not allow women we know to isolate themselves, this is what the partner wants to happen.)
* Social isolation resulting in lack of information about her alternatives.(Education, education, education)
* Lack of understanding from family, friends, police, ministers, etc.(Again, education, education, education.)
* Negative responses from community, police, courts, social workers, etc.(We need to ensure that all services receive adequate training)
* Fear of involvement in the court process; she may have had bad experiences before.
* Fear of the unknown. "Better the devil you know than the devil you don't."(All women need to learn to believe that it is really better to be alone than be with the wrong person.)
* Fear and ambivalence over making formidable life changes.
* "Acceptable violence". The violence escalates slowly over time. Living with constant abuse numbs the victim so that she is unable to recognize that she is involved in a set pattern of abuse.
* Ties to the community. The children would have to leave their school, she would have to leave all her friends and neighbors behind, etc. For some women it would be like being in the Witness Protection program--she could never have any contact with her old life.(Sadly, not much that can be done about this one.)
* Ties to her home and belongings.
* Family pressure; because Mom always said, "I told you it wouldn't work out." or "You made your bed, now you sleep in it."
* Fear of her abuser doing something to get her (report her to welfare, call her workplace, etc.)
* Unable to use resources because of how they are provided (language problems, disability, homophobia, etc.)(We need to ensure that these are overcome.)
* Time needed to plan and prepare to leave.
Emotional Factors
* Insecurity about being alone, on her own; she's afraid she can't cope with home and children by herself.(We need to empower all women to believe that they can live independently.)
* Loyalty. "He's sick; if he had a broken leg or cancer--I would stay. This is no different."(He isn't sick, and you can't save him. He can only do it on his own, and by himself.)
* Pity. He's worse off than she is; she feels sorry for him.
* Wanting to help. "If I stay I can help him get better."
* Fear that he will commit suicide if she leaves (often he's told her this).(This is emotional abuse at its most extreme, and very hard to argue against)
* Denial. "It's really not that bad. Other people have it worse."
* Love. Often, the abuser is quite loving and lovable when he is not being abusive.(Somehow we have to get all women to define what love is. Love means never choosing to hurt someone. Never.)
* Love, especially during the "honeymoon" stage; she remembers what he used to be like.
* Guilt. She believes--and her partner and the other significant others are quick to agree--that their problems are her fault.
* Shame and humiliation in front of the community. "I don't want anyone else to know."(I would imagine that this could be heightened in some cultures more than others.)
* Unfounded optimism that the abuser will change.
* Unfounded optimism that things will get better, despite all evidence to the contrary.
* Learned helplessness. Trying every possible method to change something in our environment, but with no success, so that we eventually expect to fail. Feeling helpless is a logical response to constant resistance to our efforts. This can be seen with prisoners of war, people taken hostage, people living in poverty who cannot get work, etc.
* False hope. "He's starting to do things I've been asking for." (counseling, anger management, things she sees as a chance of improvement.)
* Guilt. She believes that the violence is caused through some inadequacy of her own (she is often told this); feels as though she deserves it for failing.
* Responsibility. She feels as though she only needs to meet some set of vague expectations in order to earn the abuser's approval.
* Insecurity over her potential independence and lack of emotional support.
* Guilt about the failure of the marriage/relationship.
* Demolished self-esteem. "I thought I was too (fat, stupid, ugly, whatever he's been calling her) to leave."(How do protect or rebuild self esteem?)
* Lack of emotional support--she feels like she's doing this on her own, and it's just too much.
* Simple exhaustion. She's just too tired and worn out from the abuse to leave.
Personal Beliefs
* Parenting, needing a partner for the kids. "A crazy father is better than none at all." (Perhaps we need to challenge society's views on parenting. Children need to feel safe, above anything else.)
* Religious and extended family pressure to keep the family together no matter what.
* Duty. "I swore to stay married till death do us part."(Do we need to change the wedding vows?! Till death do us part, unless you abuse me...)
* Responsibility. It is up to her to work things out and save the relationship.
* Belief in the American dream of growing up and living happily ever after.
* Identity. Woman are raised to feel they need a partner--even an abusive one--in order to to be complete or accepted by society.(Again we need to challenge this expectation.)
* Belief that marriage is forever.
* Belief that violence is the way all partners relate (often this woman has come from a violent childhood).
* Religious and cultural beliefs.
It breaks my heart to think of domestic violence. I know that men are abused by partners too (but the focus of my blog means I will only discuss female victims here). The person you 'love' and trust more than anyone uses that trust against you, to make you believe you somehow deserve it, that it is your fault.
A commonly quoted statistic is that 1 in 4 women will experience domestic violence. However, so do 1 in 6 men. These statistics are also based on single incidents. (Women's Aid)
The police recieve one call about domestic violence every minute (about 1,300 calls a day). An even more terrfying statistic is that it is estimated that less than 40% of domestic abuse is reported to the police. (From here)
On average two women a week are killed by a partner or ex-partner, which is about 40% of all female murders. (From here)
44% of female victims are involved in repeat incidents. This means that nearly half of women don't leave immediately. Surely this is what we need to work on, getting women to leave.
If you are being abused, or believe someone you know may be, please use these resources:
Home Office Leaflet
* English national domestic violence helpline: 0808 2000 247
* Northern Ireland Women's Aid 24-hour domestic violence helpline: 0800 917 1414
* Scottish domestic abuse helpline: 0800 027 1234
* Wales domestic abuse helpline: 0808 80 10 800
* Men’s advice and enquiry line: 0808 801 0327
Refuge
Women's Aid
These lists are taken from WRAP. My comments are in bold.
Situational Factors:
* Economic dependence. How can she support herself and the children? (This can be an issue particularly for stay at home mothers, who don't earn their own income. If you do work, you should always keep your own savings account.)
* Fear of greater physical danger to herself and her children if they try to leave.(We need to make sure that all police know how to assist women who want to leave. We need adequate numbers of safe houses.)
* Fear of being hunted down and suffering a worse beating than before.
* Survival. Fear that her partner will follow her and kill her if she leaves, often based on real threats by her partner.
* Fear of emotional damage to the children.(We need women to accept that staying for the children is rarely less damaging than leaving. Children usually know.)
* Fear of losing custody of the children, often based on her partner's remarks.(Women need to have access to legal advice, to reassure them)
* Lack of alternative housing; she has nowhere else to go. (We need women to feel part of a community, with options. These may come from family, friends or the state.)
* Lack of job skills; she might not be able to get a job. (We need to ensure all children, and all girls leave education with grades or a skill.)
* Social isolation resulting in lack of support from family and friends. (We need to ensure that do not allow women we know to isolate themselves, this is what the partner wants to happen.)
* Social isolation resulting in lack of information about her alternatives.(Education, education, education)
* Lack of understanding from family, friends, police, ministers, etc.(Again, education, education, education.)
* Negative responses from community, police, courts, social workers, etc.(We need to ensure that all services receive adequate training)
* Fear of involvement in the court process; she may have had bad experiences before.
* Fear of the unknown. "Better the devil you know than the devil you don't."(All women need to learn to believe that it is really better to be alone than be with the wrong person.)
* Fear and ambivalence over making formidable life changes.
* "Acceptable violence". The violence escalates slowly over time. Living with constant abuse numbs the victim so that she is unable to recognize that she is involved in a set pattern of abuse.
* Ties to the community. The children would have to leave their school, she would have to leave all her friends and neighbors behind, etc. For some women it would be like being in the Witness Protection program--she could never have any contact with her old life.(Sadly, not much that can be done about this one.)
* Ties to her home and belongings.
* Family pressure; because Mom always said, "I told you it wouldn't work out." or "You made your bed, now you sleep in it."
* Fear of her abuser doing something to get her (report her to welfare, call her workplace, etc.)
* Unable to use resources because of how they are provided (language problems, disability, homophobia, etc.)(We need to ensure that these are overcome.)
* Time needed to plan and prepare to leave.
Emotional Factors
* Insecurity about being alone, on her own; she's afraid she can't cope with home and children by herself.(We need to empower all women to believe that they can live independently.)
* Loyalty. "He's sick; if he had a broken leg or cancer--I would stay. This is no different."(He isn't sick, and you can't save him. He can only do it on his own, and by himself.)
* Pity. He's worse off than she is; she feels sorry for him.
* Wanting to help. "If I stay I can help him get better."
* Fear that he will commit suicide if she leaves (often he's told her this).(This is emotional abuse at its most extreme, and very hard to argue against)
* Denial. "It's really not that bad. Other people have it worse."
* Love. Often, the abuser is quite loving and lovable when he is not being abusive.(Somehow we have to get all women to define what love is. Love means never choosing to hurt someone. Never.)
* Love, especially during the "honeymoon" stage; she remembers what he used to be like.
* Guilt. She believes--and her partner and the other significant others are quick to agree--that their problems are her fault.
* Shame and humiliation in front of the community. "I don't want anyone else to know."(I would imagine that this could be heightened in some cultures more than others.)
* Unfounded optimism that the abuser will change.
* Unfounded optimism that things will get better, despite all evidence to the contrary.
* Learned helplessness. Trying every possible method to change something in our environment, but with no success, so that we eventually expect to fail. Feeling helpless is a logical response to constant resistance to our efforts. This can be seen with prisoners of war, people taken hostage, people living in poverty who cannot get work, etc.
* False hope. "He's starting to do things I've been asking for." (counseling, anger management, things she sees as a chance of improvement.)
* Guilt. She believes that the violence is caused through some inadequacy of her own (she is often told this); feels as though she deserves it for failing.
* Responsibility. She feels as though she only needs to meet some set of vague expectations in order to earn the abuser's approval.
* Insecurity over her potential independence and lack of emotional support.
* Guilt about the failure of the marriage/relationship.
* Demolished self-esteem. "I thought I was too (fat, stupid, ugly, whatever he's been calling her) to leave."(How do protect or rebuild self esteem?)
* Lack of emotional support--she feels like she's doing this on her own, and it's just too much.
* Simple exhaustion. She's just too tired and worn out from the abuse to leave.
Personal Beliefs
* Parenting, needing a partner for the kids. "A crazy father is better than none at all." (Perhaps we need to challenge society's views on parenting. Children need to feel safe, above anything else.)
* Religious and extended family pressure to keep the family together no matter what.
* Duty. "I swore to stay married till death do us part."(Do we need to change the wedding vows?! Till death do us part, unless you abuse me...)
* Responsibility. It is up to her to work things out and save the relationship.
* Belief in the American dream of growing up and living happily ever after.
* Identity. Woman are raised to feel they need a partner--even an abusive one--in order to to be complete or accepted by society.(Again we need to challenge this expectation.)
* Belief that marriage is forever.
* Belief that violence is the way all partners relate (often this woman has come from a violent childhood).
* Religious and cultural beliefs.
It breaks my heart to think of domestic violence. I know that men are abused by partners too (but the focus of my blog means I will only discuss female victims here). The person you 'love' and trust more than anyone uses that trust against you, to make you believe you somehow deserve it, that it is your fault.
A commonly quoted statistic is that 1 in 4 women will experience domestic violence. However, so do 1 in 6 men. These statistics are also based on single incidents. (Women's Aid)
The police recieve one call about domestic violence every minute (about 1,300 calls a day). An even more terrfying statistic is that it is estimated that less than 40% of domestic abuse is reported to the police. (From here)
On average two women a week are killed by a partner or ex-partner, which is about 40% of all female murders. (From here)
44% of female victims are involved in repeat incidents. This means that nearly half of women don't leave immediately. Surely this is what we need to work on, getting women to leave.
If you are being abused, or believe someone you know may be, please use these resources:
Home Office Leaflet
* English national domestic violence helpline: 0808 2000 247
* Northern Ireland Women's Aid 24-hour domestic violence helpline: 0800 917 1414
* Scottish domestic abuse helpline: 0800 027 1234
* Wales domestic abuse helpline: 0808 80 10 800
* Men’s advice and enquiry line: 0808 801 0327
Refuge
Women's Aid
Saturday 1 May 2010
Feminist Quotes
I've yet to be on a campus where most women weren't worrying about some aspect of combining marriage, children, and a career. I've yet to find one where many men were worrying about the same thing. ~Gloria Steinem
I asked a Burmese why women, after centuries of following their men, now walk ahead. He said there were many unexploded land mines since the war. ~Robert Mueller
How good does a female athlete have to be before we just call her an athlete? ~Author Unknown
Advertisers in general bear a large part of the responsibility for the deep feelings of inadequacy that drive women to psychiatrists, pills, or the bottle. ~Marya Mannes, But Will It Sell?, 1964
Men weren't really the enemy - they were fellow victims suffering from an outmoded masculine mystique that made them feel unnecessarily inadequate when there were no bears to kill. ~Betty Friedan
Scratch most feminists and underneath there is a woman who longs to be a sex object. The difference is that is not all she wants to be. ~Betty Rollin
We've begun to raise daughters more like sons... but few have the courage to raise our sons more like our daughters. ~Gloria Steinem
Because women's work is never done and is underpaid or unpaid or boring or repetitious and we're the first to get fired and what we look like is more important than what we do and if we get raped it's our fault and if we get beaten we must have provoked it and if we raise our voices we're nagging bitches and if we enjoy sex we're nymphos and if we don't we're frigid and if we love women it's because we can't get a "real" man and if we ask our doctor too many questions we're neurotic and/or pushy and if we expect childcare we're selfish and if we stand up for our rights we're aggressive and "unfeminine" and if we don't we're typical weak females and if we want to get married we're out to trap a man and if we don't we're unnatural and because we still can't get an adequate safe contraceptive but men can walk on the moon and if we can't cope or don't want a pregnancy we're made to feel guilty about abortion and...for lots of other reasons we are part of the women's liberation movement. ~Author unknown, quoted in The Torch, 14 September 1987
"Remember no one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
—Eleanor Roosevelt
Even now, after whatever gains feminism has made in involving fathers in the rearing of their children, I still think virtually all of us spend the most formative years of our lives very much in the presence of women. Reynolds Price
~ You don't have to be anti-man to be pro-woman. Jane Galvin Lewis
~ Feminism has transformed the lives and aspirations of the majority of women in ways unmeasurable by statistics... raising women's intellectual,economic and political expectations, increasing intolerance of wife beating, rape and other violence against women, redefining women's sexuality. ~Linda Gordon
All of these give me pause for thought, and I will try and reflect more and post about some of them in more detail later.
I asked a Burmese why women, after centuries of following their men, now walk ahead. He said there were many unexploded land mines since the war. ~Robert Mueller
How good does a female athlete have to be before we just call her an athlete? ~Author Unknown
Advertisers in general bear a large part of the responsibility for the deep feelings of inadequacy that drive women to psychiatrists, pills, or the bottle. ~Marya Mannes, But Will It Sell?, 1964
Men weren't really the enemy - they were fellow victims suffering from an outmoded masculine mystique that made them feel unnecessarily inadequate when there were no bears to kill. ~Betty Friedan
Scratch most feminists and underneath there is a woman who longs to be a sex object. The difference is that is not all she wants to be. ~Betty Rollin
We've begun to raise daughters more like sons... but few have the courage to raise our sons more like our daughters. ~Gloria Steinem
Because women's work is never done and is underpaid or unpaid or boring or repetitious and we're the first to get fired and what we look like is more important than what we do and if we get raped it's our fault and if we get beaten we must have provoked it and if we raise our voices we're nagging bitches and if we enjoy sex we're nymphos and if we don't we're frigid and if we love women it's because we can't get a "real" man and if we ask our doctor too many questions we're neurotic and/or pushy and if we expect childcare we're selfish and if we stand up for our rights we're aggressive and "unfeminine" and if we don't we're typical weak females and if we want to get married we're out to trap a man and if we don't we're unnatural and because we still can't get an adequate safe contraceptive but men can walk on the moon and if we can't cope or don't want a pregnancy we're made to feel guilty about abortion and...for lots of other reasons we are part of the women's liberation movement. ~Author unknown, quoted in The Torch, 14 September 1987
"Remember no one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
—Eleanor Roosevelt
Even now, after whatever gains feminism has made in involving fathers in the rearing of their children, I still think virtually all of us spend the most formative years of our lives very much in the presence of women. Reynolds Price
~ We are all benefiting from the great feminists who struggled and suffered and worked to give us everything women now enjoy... I refer to myself as a feminist, and I do it with pride. ~Cybil Shepherd
~ Feminism has transformed the lives and aspirations of the majority of women in ways unmeasurable by statistics... raising women's intellectual,economic and political expectations, increasing intolerance of wife beating, rape and other violence against women, redefining women's sexuality. ~Linda Gordon
All of these give me pause for thought, and I will try and reflect more and post about some of them in more detail later.
Friday 30 April 2010
Judge Judy
One of my guilty pleasures in life is watching Judge Judy. I love her no-nonsense, common sense approach to life, and respect how hard she has worked to get where she is today. Please don't judge me too harshly she is an intelligent lady with some interesting points of view - I promise!
Her book, 'Beauty Fades, Dumb is Forever: The Making of a Happy Woman' opens with an introduction that says, "I think I am somewhat of an expert on why women make stupid choices." She certainly has an experience many of us do not. Years working in a family court, along side her more recent TV experiences have shown her what happens when relationships break down. Judge Judy Sheindlin explains, "I've seen what lack of self worth does to people, especially to women. Women put themselves in bad business situations, and they tolerate demoralising and demeaning conditions. They don't choose their mates, they allow themselves to be chosen. They stay in relationships that are untenable, with men who are physically and emotionally abusive. They defer to men, because they doubt their own self worth."
She goes on to list her 'rules' (which I have paraphrased in my own words):
1) Beauty fades, dumb is forever - we shouldn't allow ourselves to be defined by our how we look.
2) Don't crawl when you can fly - do not hide a talent, or keep hidden a strength for fear of being seen as less feminine. Be all you can be.
3) What goes up must come down - do not believe the myth that sex is power. Giving a man what he wants in the bedroom will not secure what you want from him the rest of the time. Treat your body as a temple.
4) Denial is a river in Egypt - quite a controversial one from Judge Judy here - basically if you are being abusived, physically and/or mentally stop excusing or denying it. Don't be a victim.
5) Master the game and then play it - learn the rules of how to succeed in the workplace and then do it.
6) You're the trunk of the tree - women hold together communities and families all over the world but can only do this if they are strong in themselves. Take time to care for yourself as well as others.
7) You can't teach the bull to dance - you cannot change your partner.
8) Failure doesn't build character - we need to give our girls a chance to succeed so they can develop confidence in their ability to shine.
9) Letting go is half the fun - you have to be able to let your children go, don't love your life through your children.
10) You can be the hero of your own story - life is what you make it. Whatever age you are, you are in control of how your life is - make it fabulous!
Judge Judy isn't for everyone, but she is someone who believes in empowering women - to not put up with any less than they deserve. I don't have any statistics, but it is noticable that it is mostly women suing men on her court TV show. Women who loan men (often loser men, jobless and ambitionless etc) money and then are surprised when they get nothing back. It is rare to see it the other way round (yes it happens, but in the hundreds of shows I see there is a definite trend). Judge Judy has even commented on the fact. Are they wanting to save them? Do they somehow believe the men will become so grateful and dependent on the women that he will never leave? Do the words 'I love you' really allow some women to lose all sense of rational thought?
Judge Judy has said that she doesn't connect to the term 'feminist' but she certainly has a lot to say about it! The piece of advice I hear her give the most? Never co-sign for someone's credit. Never have a shared bank account unless you are married. Never loan money without a written contract. Oh, and never co-sign for someone's credit.
Her book, 'Beauty Fades, Dumb is Forever: The Making of a Happy Woman' opens with an introduction that says, "I think I am somewhat of an expert on why women make stupid choices." She certainly has an experience many of us do not. Years working in a family court, along side her more recent TV experiences have shown her what happens when relationships break down. Judge Judy Sheindlin explains, "I've seen what lack of self worth does to people, especially to women. Women put themselves in bad business situations, and they tolerate demoralising and demeaning conditions. They don't choose their mates, they allow themselves to be chosen. They stay in relationships that are untenable, with men who are physically and emotionally abusive. They defer to men, because they doubt their own self worth."
She goes on to list her 'rules' (which I have paraphrased in my own words):
1) Beauty fades, dumb is forever - we shouldn't allow ourselves to be defined by our how we look.
2) Don't crawl when you can fly - do not hide a talent, or keep hidden a strength for fear of being seen as less feminine. Be all you can be.
3) What goes up must come down - do not believe the myth that sex is power. Giving a man what he wants in the bedroom will not secure what you want from him the rest of the time. Treat your body as a temple.
4) Denial is a river in Egypt - quite a controversial one from Judge Judy here - basically if you are being abusived, physically and/or mentally stop excusing or denying it. Don't be a victim.
5) Master the game and then play it - learn the rules of how to succeed in the workplace and then do it.
6) You're the trunk of the tree - women hold together communities and families all over the world but can only do this if they are strong in themselves. Take time to care for yourself as well as others.
7) You can't teach the bull to dance - you cannot change your partner.
8) Failure doesn't build character - we need to give our girls a chance to succeed so they can develop confidence in their ability to shine.
9) Letting go is half the fun - you have to be able to let your children go, don't love your life through your children.
10) You can be the hero of your own story - life is what you make it. Whatever age you are, you are in control of how your life is - make it fabulous!
Judge Judy isn't for everyone, but she is someone who believes in empowering women - to not put up with any less than they deserve. I don't have any statistics, but it is noticable that it is mostly women suing men on her court TV show. Women who loan men (often loser men, jobless and ambitionless etc) money and then are surprised when they get nothing back. It is rare to see it the other way round (yes it happens, but in the hundreds of shows I see there is a definite trend). Judge Judy has even commented on the fact. Are they wanting to save them? Do they somehow believe the men will become so grateful and dependent on the women that he will never leave? Do the words 'I love you' really allow some women to lose all sense of rational thought?
Judge Judy has said that she doesn't connect to the term 'feminist' but she certainly has a lot to say about it! The piece of advice I hear her give the most? Never co-sign for someone's credit. Never have a shared bank account unless you are married. Never loan money without a written contract. Oh, and never co-sign for someone's credit.
What sort of feminist am I?
I will be honest with you. I am not educated in 'feminism'. I have not read the books nor am I am aware of the key articles I should have read. However, I have always held strong opinions on how I have allowed myself to be treated, and how I see my friends allow others to treat them. My ideas focus largely on the self esteem of women, of how we allow people who 'love' us to treat us, as this is where my passion for female empowerment comes from.
While I googled around for my blog title I came across this article, Feminine Feminism by Laura Wadsworth, which has summarises so much of what I think about being a 'new' feminist.
She opens her article with, "I like pink. I like boys. I get excited over lipstick names - but I'm still a feminist." I know many hold a stereotype of what a feminist looks like, but I fail to see how what I wear defines my beliefs about women. I put effort into how I dress. I won't leave the house without make-up. I love red lipstick. Does this somehow mean I am not a feminist?
"Some people may argue that being girly is only a way of attracting males, thus becoming male dependant - and where's the equality in that? But wanting to feel feminine, to me, is a means of self-confidence." Now, I won't even go to the corner shop without eyeliner, mascara and blusher. I just prefer how I look and it makes me feel good. It gives me a spring in my step, and makes me happy to hold my head up high. Should I feel this way without make-up? Perhaps, but I don't, so where is the harm? Personally I don't see any.
"Surely this is modern feminism: being proud of our gender and not taking any stick from males, without being anti-men" Wadsworth pretty much sums up my stance with this sentence. I'm not anti-men. But I'm sick of how so many women seem to allow themselves to be treated by men.
The F Word, with the by-line 'Contemporary Uk Feminism' has an interesting article, Pink 'n' Mix Feminism
describes the differet 'types' of feminism. It lists radical feminists, goddess feminists, second wave and third wave feminists, new wave/power feminists and pop feminist/feminist lite. Catherine Redfern does note of course that there are other types of feminists who don't fit into these neat boxes. Redfern describes herself as a pick 'n' mix feminist, which is something I can relate to. I'm not yet comfortable to label myself as a definite sort of feminist, and perhaps never will be.
While I googled around for my blog title I came across this article, Feminine Feminism by Laura Wadsworth, which has summarises so much of what I think about being a 'new' feminist.
She opens her article with, "I like pink. I like boys. I get excited over lipstick names - but I'm still a feminist." I know many hold a stereotype of what a feminist looks like, but I fail to see how what I wear defines my beliefs about women. I put effort into how I dress. I won't leave the house without make-up. I love red lipstick. Does this somehow mean I am not a feminist?
"Some people may argue that being girly is only a way of attracting males, thus becoming male dependant - and where's the equality in that? But wanting to feel feminine, to me, is a means of self-confidence." Now, I won't even go to the corner shop without eyeliner, mascara and blusher. I just prefer how I look and it makes me feel good. It gives me a spring in my step, and makes me happy to hold my head up high. Should I feel this way without make-up? Perhaps, but I don't, so where is the harm? Personally I don't see any.
"Surely this is modern feminism: being proud of our gender and not taking any stick from males, without being anti-men" Wadsworth pretty much sums up my stance with this sentence. I'm not anti-men. But I'm sick of how so many women seem to allow themselves to be treated by men.
The F Word, with the by-line 'Contemporary Uk Feminism' has an interesting article, Pink 'n' Mix Feminism
describes the differet 'types' of feminism. It lists radical feminists, goddess feminists, second wave and third wave feminists, new wave/power feminists and pop feminist/feminist lite. Catherine Redfern does note of course that there are other types of feminists who don't fit into these neat boxes. Redfern describes herself as a pick 'n' mix feminist, which is something I can relate to. I'm not yet comfortable to label myself as a definite sort of feminist, and perhaps never will be.
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